Moms are so good at loving everyone else first. It's easy to do, isn't it? When you first bring home your new baby, they literally can't do anything for themselves. You carry them everywhere until they can walk. You change their diapers until they're potty-trained. You feed them until they're capable of using the microwave, and even then, you'll still cook for them because food is love (says my Italian family).
When you're a mom, it becomes second nature to take care of everyone around you. You slip into that caregiver mode without even thinking about it. So why, then, is it SO HARD to shift gears and care for ourselves? Why does it feel selfish to show ourselves love?
In this post, we'll discuss some Mommy Time Out techniques as well as some simple ways we can love ourselves. It might be difficult at first, but eventually, the guilt will disappear and everyone will reap the benefits of your "you time."
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Positive Affirmations
I heard somewhere once that you should talk to yourself the way you talk to your kids. If they made a mistake, you wouldn't say to them, "What's your problem? Why haven't you learned this yet? You're so bad at *insert activity here.*" You would treat them with kindness and gentleness. You would love them in spite of their shortcomings and work with them to try better next time.
Let's try that with ourselves, shall we? Make your inner voice a kind and loving one. If you tell yourself something enough times, you'll start to believe it. So, why not fill your head with positive thoughts about yourself and your ability to mother? Get yourself some cute sticky notes, and post them around your house so no matter where you are, you'll have a reminder of all the good things about yourself.
Cultivate Creativity
I mentioned this in another post, but it's so important that it's worth mentioning again. If you haven't read Brene Brown's The Gift of Imperfection yet, you must. It's one of the most eye-opening reads I've had in a long time - and it's not even my favorite genre. The book lays the foundation for how to live Wholeheartedly, which Dr. Brown explains is a way to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. Be still my self-deprecating Mom's heart.
There's a whole chapter about cultivating creativity, which I feel as a stay-at-home-mom can be very lacking in my life. I would venture to guess some of you feel the same way. She implores us to remember that creativity is not a luxury, and if we see it as such, we'll never make it a priority. "Creativity," she says, "which is the expression of our originality, helps us stay mindful that what we bring to the world is completely original and cannot be compared."
Give yourself the gift of cultivating your creativity. Pick up that instrument and teach yourself a new song. Join a virtual dance class. Try something creative that's always been on your bucket list. If you're feeling vulnerable and scared, that's actually positive. Creativity is always a risk because it is deeply original and a complete reflection of ourselves. But without creativity, the world would be a pretty boring place.
Self-Care
Ah, yes. We've all heard about this, haven't we? It seems very "in vogue" nowadays to talk about self-care, to practice self-care, to become one with self-care. For as often as we hear about it, I don't know that I've ever really heard a proper definition that would make me feel less guilty about doing it. So, besides bubble baths that seem like a frivolous luxury, what the heck is self-care.
According to PsychCentral.com, "self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health."Oh, you mean like when we make sure our kids have some quiet play before nap time so they can wind down? Or when we spend hours on Pinterest looking up creative and healthy meal options so they don't get bored eating the same thing for lunch? These are deliberate actions we're taking to ensure our children are well-balanced, happy, and healthy.
It's easy enough to be the one who creates these moments for others, but we must do this for ourselves as well. It's literally a matter of our quality of life. When we're happy, the people around us are happy.
Let me stop you right there because I know what you're thinking. Doesn't putting my happiness first makes me selfish? ABSOLUTELY NOT. NOPE. NO FREAKING WAY.
Think about it this way: when our children are having a tantrum, we're not supposed to get down on the floor and scream along with them. We're supposed to be their calm. We're supposed to show them by our example that we can control our emotions instead of letting our emotions control us. How, then, do we show them this when our own anxieties and exhaustion are right at the surface because we haven't done a blessed thing for ourselves in months or years?
I really struggle with this concept. I'm with you. I feel all the guilt. I understand biologically why this is an important step for me to take. But the guilt. It's so real. This article from Motherly really put things into perspective for me. Not only has society in general made mothers feel guilty about attending to our own needs, but we follow suit like we don't have brains or mouths to stand up for ourselves.
No, Moms. No. We don't have to choose between showering or going to bed early. We don't have to clean the house during the two hours our toddler is napping. Basic hygiene and chores are not self-care.
Let's all pinkie promise right now, in this month of love, to give ourselves a Mommy Time Out do something for ourselves. It's tough during a pandemic - I know - but we mustn't use that as an excuse. We can drive to a pretty spot, park our car, and read for an hour or two. We can (on a nice day) get Starbucks with a friend and drink it outside. We can send our husbands and children to the store and do our nails. And once the pandemic is over, our possibilities open up even more! These are not dreams, people. These are real things that we can do, but we have to prioritize. If you're a scheduler, write your self-care in on the dang calendar like it's a doctor's appointment. It's just as important as one. Have an honest conversation with your husband about the importance of this and call him out (kindly) if he unknowingly throws some passive-aggression your way. The "moms must do everything" mentality goes back centuries and is so embedded in our society that it's going to take everyone - husbands included - some time before self-care for moms becomes the norm. But if we don't fight for it ourselves, then who will?
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