I had quite the dramatic feeding experience with my first son. Dramatic might be a strong word, but it was prominent enough to be etched in my memory of his first few days of life. Because of that, I've taken it upon myself to subtly advise new moms about how "the other feeding option" is just as acceptable.
In this post, I'll share how my feeding plan changed, how I handled it, and why it's important to be open to all feeding options for your baby.
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When I was pregnant with my first son back in 2017, I was a research machine. I had Pinterest pages for every possible facet of his life, and I was intent on breastfeeding because "breast is best." Nevermind that my own mother formula fed all five of us and we turned out great. Nevermind that I was the first of my friends to have a kid and had little to no built-in mom village in which to turn to for advice.
Don't get me wrong. Breastfeeding is awesome. I was fascinated by all the scientific things that happen when a woman breastfeeds. It's beneficial for both mom and baby. It creates a bond. I'll say it again: it's awesome.
But it's not for everyone.
It's true I was in awe of breastfeeding's benefits, but, if I'm being honest, my real reason for wanting to breastfeed boiled down to one thing: it was cheaper. Formula is freaking expensive, man!
At the time, my husband and I had JUST gotten married. It hadn't even been a year since we bought our house. I was working several part-time jobs that didn't bring in a ton of money. And we found ourselves pregnant. All of this made the prospect of buying formula seem like a dream. There was no way we'd be able to afford that along with all of the other things a baby needed to have replenished. So, breastfeeding seemed like the best option for us for all the science-y reasons, but also because of money.
But let me repeat myself: It's not for everyone.
When my son was born, he was beautiful. He was perfect. He was also tongue-tied. I was told by my nurses that it was a common thing to see in newborns, and it could be corrected with an easy surgery but that it might make nursing difficult.
That was an understatement in my opinion.
My son couldn't latch properly so nursing was excruciating. I tried a nipple shield with no success. I tried pumping with a little more success. All of it still hurt, and this was only day two and three. I hadn't even been released from the hospital yet. My second night was hell. He wouldn't eat. Everything hurt. When the night nurse took my son's hemoglobin levels, they were hovering just above the danger zone. He was jittery, she pointed out. If his levels got any lower, she would recommend giving him formula. I was beside myself and told her to just do that.
Giving my son a bottle was a weird experience. I simultaneously felt failure and relief. If I hadn't been on a hormonal rollercoaster, I probably would have realized at that moment that I was meant to bottle-feed my son. But still, I persisted.
The next day, we were being discharged, and my day nurse was awesome. She gave us a bunch of 2-oz bottles of pre-mixed formula and a plan. I would pump what I could, supplement with formula, and try nursing again when I felt ready. At home. On my own.
Okay. I could do that.
Except that I couldn't.
Pumping was THE WORST. It hurt just as much - if not more than - when my son wasn't latching properly. Not only that, but feeding took a ridiculous amount of time. I had to pump first, then feed him what I pumped, then supplement the rest with formula. Every. Two. Hours. It was so overwhelming. I began to worry about how I would accomplish this once I went back to all my part-time jobs.
On our third day home, my husband found me crying in the bathroom, having come to the decision that I couldn't breastfeed. Again, I felt that simultaneous sense of failure and relief. But the relief also made me feel guilty. I should have been able to do it. Breastfeeding is natural. Was I giving up on my son by not trying for longer? What about all the benefits? How would we afford formula? That wasn't in our original plan!
But we made it work. Bottle-feeding ended up being the perfect solution for our family. My husband could help with the feedings, which was a lifesaver at night. I am not a person who does well without sleep, and I can only imagine what kind of hellish person I would have become had I been the sole night-time feeder simply because I had the proper anatomy. My type-A personally also appreciated knowing exactly how much food my son was eating.
I was lucky in the sense that I didn't have anyone mom-shaming me for not breastfeeding, but I had to wonder: did my overwhelming sense of failure and guilt stem from societal pressures?
Formula has been around for decades. It's been perfected and made more accessible. It's even available in several different formats for infants with allergies and food sensitivities. But breastfeeding is the fad. Celebrities are promoting it. It's prominent throughout advertising. The way breastfeeding is marketed - breast is best - is detrimental to new moms because it makes them think that the other options pale in comparison. That they're not doing their duty or doing what's best for their child if they don't breastfeed.
It is my mission to spread the good news of formula because it IS a valid option and the one I'm choosing for baby number two (due any second). At my six-week postpartum appointment, I confessed to my OBGYN that I was bottle-feeding. She made me hear the shame in my voice and the excuses I made as to why I wasn't breastfeeding. She called out the breastfeeding hype in order to validate my choice. She applauded science for its achievements in formula creation. In short, she made me feel like my choice was acceptable, that there was no place for shame because my child was getting fed.
I hope there are more doctors like this in the world. But just in case, I'm doing my best to remind new moms that it's okay if their original feeding plan changes. I'm doing my best to promote the value of formula while not bashing breastfeeding. It truly isn't for everyone. Some have reasons why they can't and others simply don't want to, and that's okay! How you feed your baby is a personal choice, and we all need to do better about supporting our new moms instead of shaming them. Raising a child is hard enough without the added pressure of feeding your baby the "right" way.
There is no right way. Breast may be best for some, formula for others. But what is always best is that they are fed. And loved.
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